Great Indian Bride Hunt - The Final Problem

I wonder what J K Rowling is planning to do now that Harry Potter series has come to an end. Anyway she has made enough money that would allow her to rest on her laurels rest of her life. Probably Arthur Conan Doyle was faced with a similar problem after concluding his Sherlock Holmes series. His other series such as Brigadier Gerald or Professor Challenger failed to evoke the kind of response that Sherlock Holmes could. Though personally I would rate ‘Lost World’ of the professor Challenger series as one of the best books I have read, the fact remains that Professor Challenger, true to his violent desire to avoid public notice was fated to remain in obscurity. So Arthur Conan Doyle had no other go but to bring Sherlock Holmes back to life. J K Rowling unfortunately does not have the luxury. I however still have not yet slammed the door on my popular bride hunt stories. So back I am with the next episode. I hope I am able to connect to the readers as I have been able to in the previous episode.

The number seven has some kind of aura attached to it in Indian tradition. Heroes in myths cross 7 seas and 7 mountains. There are 7 notes in Indian music. And even Indian marriage is supposed to be a relation for 7 generations. Given that I kind of thought I would stop my bride hunt with 7 girls and hinted as much to my parents. But one has to appreciate the tenacity of Indian parents when it comes to the question of marriage of their wards. So back they were with 3 more girls. They claimed they had brainstormed and come up with some break through shifts in their bride identification strategy that promised a higher success rate. What was I to do but yield? Even rocks finally yield to the tenacity of the sea waves. So that Monday night the father of girl no. 8, let’s call her Octavia was to call me. Girl no. 9, who we will call Nova was supposed to e-mail me that week sometime and Deca’s parents had promised to release the detailed communication strategy by that weekend. Octavia and Deca were from the finance industry, Nova from software. Deca’s dad had apparently through his industriousness managed to accumulate not too small a fortune. So I wanted to check her out first because I felt I was through with my learning curve on dispatching off cases of daughters of rich fathers. She seemed to offer the best chance of the three to further my hopes of besting Mr. Yogi’s record. Even Nova seemed to be a good candidate, being yet another software engineer but with no ‘nag’ in her name. Anyway I did not have much say in the sequencing of brides. So Octavia was the one I got to interact with first.

We kicked off Bride Hunt season 2 with telephonic conversations on two successive days. I did my best to steer clear of controversial issues such as cousins, bosses, romance and its expression, BMW cars and monks who deal in Ferrari cars. To her credit, she also did not get into the rapid fire mode. So we just chatted on lazily about the life, the universe and everything. We then agreed for a live meet the coming Sunday. I purposely avoid giving unnecessary romantic flavor to the otherwise unromantic Indian arranged marriage process by using the term ‘date’. Of course there as some who pretend romance like the character in the Hindi Movie ‘Jaane Tu’ who wants to close her eyes to reality and see the world she wants it to be. For such people, the person your parents introduced you to is your boyfriend/girlfriend. It is just a lucky coincidence that your parents got involved. The meetings arranged to discuss the issue of marriage are dates. Does the venue really matter? The lobby of a 5 star hotel your staying with dad is as good as candle light dinner or Movie Theater or park. And why does one have to take love at first sight literally? Isn't it more convenient to have the first sight, sound, taste, smell and everything else after the parents have fixed the marriage?

So it came about that for a second time, I was on my way to meet a girl. Last time many people had given me the feedback that chocolates and flowers worked better than biscuits. But somehow I could not get over my obsession with biscuits. So I sought a compromise by taking some chocolate biscuits with pictures of flowers on the wrapper. This girl had made no claims of humor. So no hassles of trying to procure nitrous oxide. Of course I took care of combing the hair and rest of the stuff. I managed to reach the venue 20 minutes before time and spent the time patrolling the road outside the pizza corner we were supposed to meet at. It always helps to get a feel of the pitch before a match so that you’re not surprised by uneven bounce or the ball keeping low during the match. She arrived on the spot exactly 53 seconds late, which was very good by Indian standards where tardiness of even 53 minutes would have been passable. So overall our meeting began on a positive note.

Availability of generous helpings of food helped further lightened the atmosphere. She was very reserved by nature and I occupied myself with the food. So overall the conversation went real well. As they say speech is silver but silence is golden. I wonder why so many people ignore this golden rule and ruin wonderful conversations by talking. But you still have the one bouncer per over rule. So I was mentally prepared when it came. “Do you think I am fat?

 Now this may seem like a very simple question to the uninitiated. The question can have only one of 2 answers, right? And that gives you a 50% chance of getting it right. But those who have had a wife or a girlfriend or at least read about the kind of people who have them would know better. Of course I am assuming a normal wife or girlfriend and not an anorexic one. If you were to say “Yes”, you would be insensitive whereas if you say “No” you would be untruthful. Neither of them seems to be the right answer. Though many of them are familiar with the question, not many know the right answer. And you know what? I am happy to announce that I have discovered the answer that has eluded philosophers and psychologists and relationship counselors for years. The answer of course is not ‘42’, which is the answer to a different question. To know more about it I suggest you read ‘Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy’ by Douglas Adams. The correct answer to our question is …………………………….. ‘Ooble Ooble’.

People might be wondering whether this is in some foreign language. Actually it is in the universal human language and can be used by people in any part of the world. For people with difficulty in pronunciation, let me give a small instructive note. Take a piece of Pizza roughly 4 inch by 4 inch and stuff in it your mouth, chew it for 20 second to make uniform dough that fills your mouth. People with bigger mouths are instructed to go for a bigger piece. After that, try to say the name of your favorite brand of alcohol. And ‘Lo Behold’. You have the perfect answer. "Ooble Ooble". If you don’t drink, you could try your favorite swear words. If not, try the name of your ex-girl friend. If even that is not applicable to you, probably something is seriously wrong. You need to take some time off by yourself and introspect what you have been doing with your life. And as far as the Pizza goes, that can also be replaced with any other item of your choice as long as the 4 inch by 4 inch size is maintained. However if you’re trying it with bread, do not practice so much as to reduce its marginal utility to zero.

Having cleared the last obstacle, it was the time to close the deal. In human society, there is a high premium on how one proposes. In traditional Indian society, the young men did not have to concern themselves with this difficult problem as usually his dad would propose to the girl’s dad. So it was more of dad’s problem. But already Western influence has begun to corrupt Indian society, requiring young men to undertake such hazardous feats. So I was left pondering how to go about it. So I decided to give it a deeper thought. I took a piece of pizza 4 inch by 4 inch and thrust it into my mouth and started chewing. Food helps one think, you know. 20 seconds passed. I wondered if I should take the plunge. But though highly effective in other circumstances, ‘Ooble Ooble’ would hardly be viewed as a marriage proposal. So I chewed for 40 more seconds and then with my eyes still on the food, I mumbled incoherently “So I guess I have no issues with you”. She said “Excuse me”. I said a bit more loudly “I guess I would not object to marrying you. What do you think?

 She thought for a while and said "You know this is a big decision. I need time to think. Probably we should talk a little more. Maybe I will call you up sometime again middle of next week."

Phew! Was this never going to end? When would I get my salvation? That ended the meeting however. As she was about to leave, she mentioned that her house was close by and whether I would like to see her parents. Did not know if this was again one of those trick questions. But I thought if she thought I would find it interesting to see her parents, let me do that as well. I spent 15 minutes at her home talking to her parents and was on my way back home.

When I reached home, my parents informed me that girl’s parents had already communicated the girl’s decision in women’s parents’ language also known as Jupiter language. “Our daughter seems to have taken a liking for your son. Even we found him to be quite pleasant. We would like to visit you sometime next week to discuss the weddings arrangements

And so my most popular bride hunt series winds down to a tame end, unless I begin to invent more stories. But you know, in Indian arrange marriage system, finding a bride is just the beginning.

Next Post        :  Great Indian Bride Hunt : Fool's Reflections
Previous Post  :   Great Indian Bride Hunt : Parallel Process
Series Start     :   The Great Indian Bride Hunt

25 comments:

Cris said...

Wow cool that was a fast end to a seemingly long new series! So Nova and Octavia off the stage?

--Cris

The Fool said...

Thanks for regularly following my blog, cris. Answer to your question. What does it usually mean when a story doesn't seem wholly complete and some questions need to be answered?

hearmyheart said...

Congratulations. I cant stop appreciating the individuality and understanding of the girl in calling a big decision and she needs to give it a thought.
Its nice to know about Indian marriages. A bit sad to know about the conditions of women in the society(which are improving now) and at the same time happy to hear about the very low divorce rate and know about the comprising nature of Indians (good when in the right proportions) and the space they have for others in their personal life.
You can read my blog and I would be happy if you can give some sincere comments.

priya said...

What happened to Deca and Nova ??
Nice read, as usual. Would like to appreciate your ability to make comparisons keeping humor intact. :)

Cris said...

Oh oh that doesnt sound too optimistic! Hold on TF, things wil get clearer, they have got to cause theres got to be somebody's theory that they will.
I have taken feed for this blog :-)

While I am here let me point to another blogger's thoughts about arranged marirages. This and this

--Cris

Nithin Rajan said...

Came here from Cris' blog, Great posts:)
So is it Octavia finally? or picture abhi baaki hai:)?

The Fool said...

@priya - You will hear about them

@cris - Already read those. They are dead against arranged marriage, eh?

@nithin - Thanks. Seems like. Anyway Great Indian Bride Hunt : His Last bow coming up soon.

phoenix said...

Mathew recommended me ur blog..it was an interesting read.. looks like u r chetan Bhagat in the making!! Also, reminds me of the sitcom - How I met ur mother :)

maheep said...

"Do you think i am fat???
the questions does not have just 2 answers... very one has his own way to tackle the question..as was the case with u.... my take is:
Ans"It doesn't matter... or i'm least cared bout it...."
but use this one... only if u mean it.....

The Fool said...

Thanks, Phoenix.

@Maheep - Mine works even if you don't mean it.

trappedintpv said...

Continued traffic ensured! Will wait to hear the updates. But, I guess if all's done, then the blog can't run!

Achilles's Heel said...

nice blog raven ..
i love the way u proposed or the guy proposed ..
“I guess I would not object to marrying you. What do you think?”

Rahul said...

Awesome read.
One of my friends linked me to it, enjoyed it thoroughly!

The Fool said...

Well, Mr. trappeditpv. You shall hear in good time. But let me tell you, come sun or rain, marriage or no marriage, the show must go on.

Thanks Achille's heel and Rahul. I am happy you found my blog entertaining.

buzzzzzzzzz... said...

lolz,,,,,,,tats awsum ,i gues i gotta blogroll u , if u keep posting such delights.

The Fool said...

Thank you, buzzzzz. I hope to post more such pieces. Lets see how succesful I am.

TTT said...

read through the entire series ! it was different and interesting ...

The Fool said...

Thanks a lot, TTT.

Rachna said...

That was quick :).

The Fool said...

That is what my wife keeps telling me. After all the long drawn process, how did I decide so quickly in her case.

Deepa said...

So Ooble ooble were the magic words which did the trick for the two of you! :) I am going to laugh out loud the next time I munch on a large piece of pizza! :) It's lovely to see after all that Uno-Septo how Octavia was quick :) But then when it's time, it's time :) I'm a believer in destiny :)

Pankti Mehta said...

I know I am late but I loved this series...I am glad to know that it's not only females who feel like a curio during the whole process...I must have met 50 men (it may be more or less cause I don't remember the exact number) in the name of this ridiculous farce and I am STILL single....phew....anyway, I am happy that this torture ended for you long back.

The Fool said...

I think the process was against women in the earlier days. Nowadays field is more or less evening out. 50 must be grueling! But surprised you still have not found the right person unless you are deliberately sabotaging. World is not so short of good people either.

TTS said...

Loved reading this series....it's interesting to actually see the other side of things :)

Cart Hick said...

Thanks TTS. Every story does have 2 sides.

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